Wednesday 29 February 2012

THE ROAD TO INSANITY

Kaka was driving as fast as she possibly could in spite of the pouring rain.
She glanced into the rearview mirror at her one year old baby girl fast asleep in her child seat. She was in her cute Barney pyjamas and her face was as peaceful as an angel.
“Evil angel,” she muttered under her breath as she cursed DNA for giving her all her father’s facial features. She glanced at the sleeping child again. She could almost see the crimson red trickle over the right eye moving towards the right nostril. She shook her head to get the image out and concentrated on what she could make of the road in the heavy downpour. She saw bright red tail lights a few kilometers ahead and thought to herself to follow them. She was going to drive tonight as long as there was a road underneath her tyres. She had money in her bag and fuel in her tank and she was going to go as far as they could take her.
She glanced at her baby once more and suddenly felt pity for the innocent child. What on earth was she going to tell her when she asked why she couldn’t go back home? What was she going to say when she asked for her daddy?
Her mind went back to the Jide, her husband, lying almost lifeless on the living room floor. She was certain that their expensive Persian rug would be soaked in his blood by now. May be he was dead, she thought almost emotionless, or maybe he was just unconscious.
She too had been in that same position, almost a year ago. She recalled that she had just had the baby and they had been arguing about his mother coming to live with them after her first stroke. Her stand was that it would be difficult for her to take care of the baby, go to work and still cater to an invalid. He felt insulted that his mother would be called an invalid instead of believing in faith that she was “strong”. She had emphasized that truly his mother was an invalid since the stroke had left the right side of her body paralyzed and so needed constant attention. She had barely finished her statement when he had given her a resounding slap. It wasn’t one of those slaps that gave you the opportunity to stand and be shocked, it was the kind of slap that sent her spinning across the living room and over the sofa.
She smirked sarcastically as she remembered trying to fight back with all the strength she could muster. That was another mistake because he took that to mean disrespecting his position as head of the house. After a while she pulled her thighs to her chest and curled up into a ball on the floor assuming the only defensive posture she had learnt from her childhood karate lessons. He kicked and punched for a while but when he saw it was impossible to hit her hard enough in that position, he reached for his belt. He had gotten a couple of lashes in before he lost grip of the steel buckle. Amidst her baby’s wailing, she had heard the clang of the metal as it broke into her skull.
She had awoken the next morning in the hospital with short term memory loss and six stitches over her left ear. She recalled there were flowers all over her hospital room and Jide was as apologetic as ever. She had sworn to leave him after that incident but when he got family and friends to plead with her, she decided to stay.
The rain was starting to stop and she breathed a sigh of relief. She looked into the rearview mirror at the face of her baby. The same face had brought her so much pain and unhappiness. Now she only wished she had seen the signs. She wished she had seen something that would make her suspicious before she married him. But there had been nothing, nothing at all.
When Jide proposed to her a year after they started dating, he had just started working in one of the prominent commercial banks. However, after their wedding, the CBN consolidation exercise took place and his bank had to merge with another bank and in the process, Jide lost his job. Shortly after that, he became born again and started spending more time in their neighborhood church than he did at home. They were both hopeful for a new job while she was managing a small business centre within the area. When business was good, she was able to provide for both of them. The real problem started when Jide had a disagreement with the Senior Pastor of the church which led to him leaving the church to establish his own. At first, she had been unsure of the idea of starting a church in their home but she had prayed about it and decided to play the supportive wife.
...to be continued

David Guetta - When Love Takes Over (FeatKelly Rowland)

Sunday 26 February 2012

SINGLE AND SCREWED?

Hello People!

Sorry for the week long silence. You see, when its close to the end of the month like it is now, we salespersons turn into android robots trying to meet up the monthly target.
'Tis crazy indeed.
So this weekend i made the biggest mistake any single person can ever make; I agreed to attend my friend's baby's one year old birthday party.
Before you go judging me, let me explain the situation and why I said it was such a fiasco.
You see, Chika* and I had been best friends all through school but when we graduated and started to find our paths in life, we had a big fight that ended in our seperation. That happened four years ago. Well last week, I was going through some old documents when I saw her old number scribbled on a magazine. I decided to dial the number and surprisingly, she was still using the same number.
The following day, I was eager to see her so we fixed a lunch date. During our date, I learnt that she had gotten married and had a baby. So she pleaded with me to attend her baby's first birthday party and i foolishly agreed.
Upon arrival, Chika* had greeted me at the gate saying that I looked so classy which in her opinion "would drive the guys away" and that "I wasn't getting any younger". I was still trying to recover from that strike when her elder sister (who was married straight out of school) came out and said that I looked like i had had three kids since the last time we saw each other.
At this point, I was doing everything in my power to lash out at someone so I calmly sat down under the canopy, far away from any family. I was sitting peacefully when I felt a tug at my dress and when I turned around, it was a little girl calling me, "Mommy...Mommy". I was so close to blurting "Bitch! I ain't yo momma!!!" then I saw tears in her eyes, so i patiently carried her and petted her.
A few minutes later when I thought my troubles were over, I saw Chika*'s mom come out of the house to greet the guests. She came towards me and when Chika* tried to make her remember who I was, She said, "OOh! I remember!" Then she looked around as if she was looking for someone and said, "But, where's your husband now?"
My eyes were shooting missiles when I replied "Mummy, Please, I AM NOT MARRIED, I am single and apparently screwed for being around you people!"

SMH

*not the real name

Sunday 19 February 2012

THE MARRIED SIDE OF SEX

Oh, how I love my married friends.
And in my opinion, married women are the freakiest people i know. On one occasion, i was chatting with a friend who has been married for seven years when she suddenly sent me "You this Chioma, I really wonder what you sound like in bed..."
Yes, I was as shocked as you are right now. First of all because i recall our conversation as being not in the least related to sex and secondly because this my friend is one of the most "church-eous" people i know.
My reply was simply confirmatory, "Madam, please what year did we graduate from school?"
She had sent me an "lol" and yet another shocking message "What? You don't think I know you will like big dicks?"
My dearest, readers, please pardon my language, it is all to drive home a point that I DO NOT feel comfortable with my married girlfriend telling me just outside church today that my arse will definitely look nice when taking it "doggy-style."
It is only my married friends that want to give me a blow by blow account of how sex with their husbands is so great and spontaneous. I have become their sexual sounding board and trust me, that is not fun at all.

Egba mi o!
Chioma

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Friday 17 February 2012

DEATH HAS A FACE

Hello folks,
Let me first of all say a big THANK YOU to all those who participated in the just concluded competition both as writers and voters. The whole cyber-event was a huge success and i have YOU ALL to thank for it. I have been informed that the winner has picked up his prize money and i will be posting the photo pretty soon.
On another note, I was driving to work yesterday morning and I heard on the news that the victims of the January fuel subsidy protest violence in Kano were going to be compensated. At that moment, my heart went out to them and i wrote this poem right there in my car.
So, this is dedicated to all those who lost their lives in the Fuel Subsidy protest violence all over the country. May your labour and death, not be in vain.

They told me it would be peaceful,
Come out, Come out, they said, it’s time to take a stand,
They said we are the future and the nation’s fate was in our hands,
They didn’t say that also in our hands was death and destruction,
I heard the noise and ran to a safe place I had never been before,
Come in, Come in, they said, we are to keep you safe,
I heard the sound as he cocked his rifle,
I saw his eyes as he aimed and pulled the trigger,
I saw his face, it was the face of hope and death.

Thursday 16 February 2012

CONGRATULATIONS MAXWELL!!!

How una Dey? Thank You All For All Your Entries. Personally, Me i Enjoy am.....But Sorry Na Maxwell Win The $100 , Abeg Come Pick Up Your Money Ooo(B4 I Change My Mind) lool #Bless
Tha Suspect

Tuesday 14 February 2012

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Emmanuel Dike

Valentine! Valentine!! Valentine!!! Omo I taya o, even small pikin sabi wetin the word mean sef, if e dan reach times like this, people go begin worry unnecessarily. Haba, e no pure. Me no dey against the Valentine Movement o(afta all I no get chik), but if them say make I tok, e dey affect plenty things, una go hear all, and even as e take affect you join.
  For my point number one, e dey cause DIVERSION OF ATTENTION FROM INVESTMENT! You go  wan dey reason how, make your blood no rush, I mustu tok am. Adult wey suppose to use I'm money buy house or invest am put for hot shares go  use I'm money take buy big gift for gal call am valentine, I'm. Go leave money wey suppose to yield pikin for bizness use buy bb porsche for gal, Ogah, if na Ў☺ΰ be economy, u no. Go vex?
    Number two point, na women dey cause this one, dem dey turn sum men to thief all in the name of ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊​ of one day, make I give you instance. When I bin dey SS3, I thief my papa money to use buy gift for gal( ask me where the gal dey today), una dey see? Now, compare me with person wey dey in charge of very big money, wey dey work for places where money no dey wear clothe. After, them go say money dey miss, who cari am, every body turn to deaf and dumb but tomorrow, gal wey never pass jamb go carry 2 BB phones with one I-pad dey waka.
    Una dey see my point shey, oya check now wey gals wey suppose  enter skul turn doctor tomorrow or lawyer sef  go collect 'something' from her guy, give 'something' back, then after 9months, another 'something'. Go cumot(no ask me from where)that is if them no kumot am sef. Apart from say them dey increase population, them dey jonze their future.


    Finally,we dey tok say subsidy 'do' us na I'm valentine wan cum 'rape' some people finish, e don be 4 them na! How flower( na I'm cheap pass) wey be N150 before subsidy o turn N1000 all because of velentine, e no fair na, aw poor people wan take celebrate? Mr Biggs them. Go wan increase sharwama price, maybe, Mama Sunday.go add money for her food kwa, she gats to meet up na.
  Ah. Go  end by saying no b everything wey glitter b gold, try. Go  church.  Go  do yhur valentine, e no suppose make economy shake badly, offering suppose increase, afterall na God be ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊​,happy valentine people o, spread the ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊​ and not the virus, spreadnot the conji and not the legs!!!!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Tobenna Okoye

Valentine day na flexing day. As we dey talk flex no bi just straf. Bcos dat day na 50/50. The guy chop from d babe body and the babe go chop from the guy pocket. Na d babe aspect we dey talk about bcos na their own dey affect economy wella for that Val's day.
As February dey enter wetin dey people mind(people wey jasi) na how valentine go bi? The date no dey alrite for most people bcos na almost middle of d month wen pepper don almost disappear finish, boys go dey don dey broke. Bcos the people wey dey on  salary yapa. The people wey dey make money every week no plenty for naija. So na those ones wey dey on salary dey give economy wahala. Na like this the tin dey happen. After January salary for ur mind u go try save for Feb14 so u and ur chick go flex wella. But before that time, tinz go just dey come wey go dey finish ur money. As we dey enter new month we go dey try plan on how we go spend small small. But the tin bi say e no possible. Money go still dey burn wella. If say u get like 400,000 as January salary, u go don use like 5,500 for credit before Feb14, your youger brother or sister wey u fit dey train for skul go come again collect allowance. U fit release like 10,000. You gats dey chop sef, comot 20,000. Nepa go still dey dull so money for fuel for ur gen go still dey, maybe like 30,000. No forget say all the money wey don burn na before Feb14 o! Your pocket for don leak finish. But at least u still hold small change for val. Wetin remain na how to celebrate val.
The people wey dey do Val tinz sef no dey try for boiz. Na dat time ordinary plate of rice go increase like 200%. If say u dey chop one plate for 1000. The tin go fly go 3500. And u gats buy for two people which mean say u go drop 7tawa! And dat na if your chick sabi wetin u dey earn or two of una don dey understand una self wella. But if na babe u meet for club d previous weekend and u wan straf am dat Valentine night, u fit drop like close to 30bar for Mr. Biggs(because una dey chop wetin una go soon shit comot, mscheeew). Okay una chop finish wetin con remain na gift. Whether two of una understand una sef wella or u wan straf the babe, u go still like show urself, u go like impress the babe. If u fit go pick one of those mumu Valentine gift packs wey dem dey show for TV wey be like 100jeez.
After everytin Feb15 d guy go don broke finish. From that 400k wetin remain fit bi like 20,000. The next tin na to dey borrow money from bank. No forget say na guys all over naija dey suffer this kain tin. So banks go dey borrow boys money the tin go dey wreck our GDP and the GDP na d major part of the economy. Why this tins dey happen like this. Na becos of valentine oooo!!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Jedidiah Ikoba

Valentine na for lovers. Na for everywhere for d world o but naija we carry valentine 4 head well o.Secondary school students o,even primary school dis days don dey get val.As for university nor go there o. Dem dey finish work for this valentine tory. Na girls dey enjoy dat day pass ni. Na so we guys o, aristos or maga(the bigger d pot belle d more d money) go dey buy fine gifts 4 their girl friends, d kind one wey dem neva buy give their malle or wife once sef. Oyinbo pipo own u fit jus buy one flower or card for your chick but 4 naija,try am first! D babe go tear d card 4 your present or stone u wit your yeye flower. She go ask u if dem dey chop am? So na rule o. U must buy expensive gift for your babe and una must to go out o. So tay sum guys for uni those days wey dey do 0-1-0 eatin formula go buy beta shoe or phone 4 their chikito come carry her go fastfood wen him neva enta at all before. Some go even use their skool fees do am o.
Evn married couples join for the matter o.Afteralls dem be lovers too! Na so expensive gifts go dey flow. But my broda wetin dey pain me be say after guys don buy expensive gifts giv these girls na cheap tins like boxers, singlet,cheap watch naim dem go buy giv d guys. Dat na wayo na, correct akpaco d babes dem be.
Now how dis one take affect our economy sef. My broda me I nor see o. E nor dey affect our economy one kobo! Forget say guys dem dey buy expensive gifts and go outings wit the babes dat day. Instead na oyinbo economy we dey develop. Almost all d gifts wen we dey buy dat day na obodo oyibo dem dey import dem come,even up to card sef becos na only to consume we sabi. So in the end our economy siddon for d same bottom wey e dey. Instead sef we dey lose money & our economy dey die go.
Sum guys dey go thief or do yahoo or thief from gofment(those wey be politicians and workers) so dat dem go fit meet up,so corruption dey increase. Girls sef dey get belle anyhow,HIV dey spread. All dis tins too dey kill our economy bcos the youth na dem be the ogbonge pilotay for d economy steerin and 419 wit him bros corruption dey kpai our economy. Fear nor go let oyinbo come here bcos dem go open oFfice for him head.
Last last,love na evryday tin no be only jus for valentine day. If you love the boo or sisi, dey show the love everyday nor be only for valentine. Shikina!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Maxwell Maiye

Nigeria na country wey be sey we dey rely so much on things wey we dey import come from obodo oyinbo. So tey even we own oil wey we dey produce naturally we still dey import am come as kerosene, petrol and diesel because sey our refineries to take wash am no dey work.
Meanwhile no be only products we dey import. Wetin oyinbo man call technology sef follow join, plus sub cultures and idealogies too, that one mean sey the kind pattern wey person dey take reason.
Na im be say this Valentine so wey people carry put for head na import we import am oh, because no be we get am, no be we start am, no be we idea.
But you sef go gree say as the world don take be so, everything na  everybody own. Wetin oyinbo man call globalization and cultural assimilation don happen wey be sey people they practise things wey no be their own originally. So I no fit beef people wey carry the Valentine for their head. As they like am make dem dey celebrate am dey go. If person buy me gift I go collect but I no dey buy give person oh.
So now, on to the koko of the matter wey be how valentine take dey affect our economy. I don first yarn say na so so import we dey import. If you waka from your hood reach my side, you go see more business wey be sey na to buy come put for shop sell be their own. Industries, both the one wey dem call mega and the one wey dem call cottage industries, scarce for we country die!
As he come be like that, this Valentine period so wey people go dey buy one thing or the other foe their wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, side chick, bed mate, secret admirers, sales of gift items and Valentine related products go dey on the increase. Already, boutiques don dey sample red cloths come outside since the beginning of the month as he be sey na red be the colour of Valentine.
Trips to Dubai and all the places wey people dey buy things come from go increase as well.
For the entertainment industry, Artistes and Comedians as well as people wey dey feed off dem, managers, dancers, back up singers, show promoters, go still see beta change collect take increase their bank account because shows go dey make boys for fit take their babes out on trips.
People wey dey the hospitality business, hotels, eateries, restaurants(no be mama put oh or iya basira), guest houses, go get increased patronage during Valentine.
Sales of condoms too go follow increase.
We dey data shy for we country so statistics no too dey available to take drive home my point say people the spend wella during this period. Valentine just be like christmas for some people oh.
The economy na issue of money. During Valentine, people dey spend wella. The problem be say e no dey bring overall growth or development for the economy, na just say e dey release cash from people pocket into the system. I don talk finish. Gbam

TO BE LOVED AND LOVED IN RETURN

Happy St. Valentine's Day People!!

I woke up pretty excited today. And I was even more excited when my boss showed up at the office with a huge Valentine cake for the team to share. So the day is looking good...
I recall Valentine's day some years ago when i was in the TV production business. We decided to put together a live show on the TV station hosted by popular celebrities from the then MBGN Munachi Abii to ace actor Zack Orji where viewers could call in and give their shout-outs. The show was a huge success and the following year, viewers were requesting a repeat broadcast.

In preparation for the show that year, we had to do extensive research into the origin of St. Valentine's day celebration. To our surprise the details of the origin of the celebration were a bit hazy. Some stories say St. Valentine was a prisoner who fell in love with a King's daughter while others say he was a Catholic priest who cared for the needy in the society. In a feature story as part of the live show, the script was concluded on the note that whatever the true origin might be, there was one thing they all had in common; Pure, selfless love.

I have always been a believer in the power of love. In my opinion, it can break barriers and mend relationships in a way that can be seen as simply amazing. So, as we go about celebrating St. Valentine's day in the ways we know best, let us remember to show some act of selfess love.

xoxo
Chioma

John Mayer ft. Taylor Swift - Half Of My Heart (Official Video)

Saturday 11 February 2012

MY PERFECT LITTLE IMPERFECTIONS

Hey folks,
I hope you all had a good week. I also had to deal with some drama at home, but you know how these things are…
Anyway, a wise man once told me that when you think you are ready to settle down and get married, you should first of all ask yourself if indeed you can marry yourself. Well, last weekend, I got to asking myself that same question. If I proposed to me, and I accepted, would I like what I encounter with me? You see, I may seem pleasant on the outside, but getting to know the real me may be a daunting task.
First of all, I am not your typical morning person. Apart from the early morning crankiness before my morning exercise, I would have the sinuses to deal with. The thing is, my nose seems to wake up about two hours after I actually get up and so the noises I would hear are those of me trying to breathe without my nose…technically. One time, my mom said I sound like an old locomotive engine starting up after been out of use for several years. After my morning exercise and coffee, I like to delve straight into work. I don’t have time for morning chit chat and if I tried to start a conversation with me, I would probably receive a very stern verbal warning.
I get into a better mood by noon. I can be available for lunch and some good ol’ conversation. I like to surprise by showing up to sweep me away for a brief lunch date if I have the time. But if you don’t have the time, it will be taken as irresponsible and unacceptable. I am your average evening person and that’s because I am less cranky at that time and the chances of me upsetting myself by opening my mouth are greatly reduced. I like to hang out and have a good laugh after work. But that should be in a place and at a time picked by me, if not…let’s just say it wouldn’t be worth my while.
I always like to win an argument and one I cannot win with words, I have a signature look that would says in any language “You poor ignorant fool”. I am often very suspicious and like to take everything with a proverbial pinch of salt. If I suspect that I have been told a lie, I wouldn’t stop until I uncover the truth. I see it so clearly because I happen to have undergone intensive FBI training in my previous life.
Did I also mention that I was selfish? I also like to think the world revolves around me. Well, quite frankly, it does. If not, why would I being considering getting married to me?

Thursday 9 February 2012

"HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY?"

Ok, get this.
This morning, i got a call from my friend/secret admirer/boyfriend/secret husband etc, etc...David Peter aka 'Tha Suspect'. Now for those of you who are reading my blog from your home under a rock in a cave somewhere, (lol) Tha Suspect is one of the most sought after producers in the country. He has worked with several big names in the industry and is quite an established artiste on his own.
Anyway, he called me today with a proposal about a mock essay competition he is running for Valentine's Day. "You see, umm, we want the top four essays to be posted on your blog and an opportunity for people to vote the best one", he had asked politely. I am all about creativity and writing and i thought was a brilliant idea, so i said yes!
So people, it's really very simple to win $100. All you have to do is write a 500 word essay in pidgin English on the topic; HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY? and send to iamsuspect001@gmail.com before the 13th of February, 2012.
The top four essays will be posted right here for you all to vote.
What else can i say? May the best writer win!

Ciao!
Chioma

Monday 6 February 2012

RELATIONSHIP 101: EMOTIONS VS TOLERANCE

Relationships are usually about two people putting in 50/50% effort to make it work...once there is a tip in the scale, the real problem starts. It is then up to both parties to identify the problem and nip it in the bud before it grows into something bigger than what initially started it. Voicing out grievances is key in problem resolution in any relationship, added with the passion to make the relationship itself work. It is also important to note that falling in and out of love is inevitable but it is the commitment and tolerance held by both parties that can make that relationship survive. That is to say that relying on your emotions in a relationship is a sure way to sink the ship because emotions, like the tides of the sea rise up and fall down. Any relationship built on emotions or feelings has a 20% chance of survival especially after a disagreement. But when key values such as patience, tolerance and commitment are thrown in, the survival chance goes up to about 80%. it may also be interesting to know that most people who base their relationships on emotions often expect the other party to be "perfect". It may sound strange but sadly true since we all know that perfection, in the real sense of the word, does not exist. An emotion-based relationship often expects no wrong, no flaws and no shortcomings. So when these mannerisms show up, it shakes the relationship to its foundation. At that point, it becomes, "I can't believe you did that" or "I don't know why you said that". A relationship not based on emotions would rather say "I do not appreciate what you just said/did but i bet you had good reason to..." Another interesting fact is that people who base their relationship on emotions, who in turn expect perfection, know that they are far from perfect and expect the other party to make up for their imperfections. This would obviously cause a tip in the scale as the relationship would be about one person and not the couple. If you have gone through this and realize that your relationship is based on emotions rather than tolerance and commitment, its not too late to start afresh. Every relationship is like writings on a slate that can be wiped clean...no matter how far you have gone.

Thursday 2 February 2012

BUN IN THE OVEN

Happy New Year folks!

So sorry this is late but you know what they say, better late than never eh?
Here’s a piece that is closer to fact than any of my previous works on this blog. In fact, I had to wait several months to get permission to publish this. It’s a fascinating tale and I know it’ll be worth the wait.

Enjoy!
Chioma

I ran into Dipo at a function after several years of not being in touch. I had seen him mount the podium to receive an award and met with him after the event. “Chioma!!!” he had screamed my name with so much excitement and given me a big bear hug. “It’s been like what? Seven years?” he asked and I nodded with a reminiscent smile.
Dipo and I attended to same university in the northern part of Nigeria. In our first year, we had taken a Drama course together where we both played the role of a married couple in a local theatre production. Dipo was a charming fellow and the bond we formed during the production stayed with us throughout our time in school. While in school, Dipo took up music production and before he graduated, became the most sought after producer in the state. Although, we were in different departments, we always found time once a week to play catch up at the cafeteria. Well, that was until he started dating Inyang in his final year.
“So… I can see the music business is doing great” I said pointing at his award as he walked me to his car. “Well, we can’t complain,” he said modestly. “And, Oh my! Is that a wedding band?” I asked reaching for his left had to reveal the shiny gold ring. “You didn’t even tell me!” I continued playfully hitting him in the shoulder. He seemed to blush as he said “No, babes, it’s no biggie”. I refused to accept that “No biggie? Who calls saying ‘I do’ to life imprisonment ‘No biggie’enh?” He laughed and put my head in a head lock “You never change sha,” he said. “But seriously, Sweetie,” I continued when I could release myself from his grip, “It was Inyang right?” “No…!” he replied sharply as if it was strange for me to have asked in the first place, “I married my queen; Bella and we have a baby girl together”. “Wow!”I exclaimed excitedly, “I’m so happy for you! But, wait, what happened between you and Inyang? I thought…?” I cut my statement short when I noticed him shaking his head sadly. “Babes…Inyang’s story is a very long story”
Dipo had met Inyang during his third year in school. I recalled the first time he talked about her at one of our lunch dates. “Babes! If you see this girl! Omo yen dun gan!” he said excitedly. He went on to vividly describe Inyang in such detail, it felt as if I had known her all my life. “Come on, let’s meet her! She seems like a wonderful person” I had said, trying to share in his excitement. “Just chill, Babes, ti eye ba ti ko si panpe, ma je k’omo!”
The next time I saw Dipo was two months later. After all efforts to reach him on the phone had been met with a dismissive “Babes, I’m in the studio. I will call you back.”He was driving his old Cherokee jeep through the school’s main gate when I cited him and flagged him down. When he pulled up close to me I saw there was a pretty girl sitting in the passenger seat. I had no doubt that it was Inyang. “My love, you have abandoned me!” I said when he wound down the glass. He laughed and started explaining how hectic work had been for him over the last few months. “And that’s why you can’t manage a simple Hello every now and then, come on now…” I had been saying when suddenly Inyang looked sternly at him and said “Baby, we’re late!” It felt as if someone had slapped me across the face as I couldn’t imagine the call for such attitude. “Well, a good morning to you, madam” I said to her, trying hard to cover the sarcastic undertone in my voice. To my surprise, Inyang looked me straight in the eyes and blurted “Good Morning to you too!” “Haba, Inyang, be nice to Chioma now,” Dipo had interjected almost sounding like he was pleading with her royal rudeness. She had turned sharply to him and retorted “Dipo! I said we are late! Can we go now?” I was too mad to speak but that quickly from anger to disbelief as I watched Dipo put the car in drive and slowly move away from me.
I smiled as I recalled several similar incidents that followed that one. Dipo slowly became I ghost of himself as he ignored all his friends on Inyang’s account. He ate, drank and breathed Inyang so much that if she sneezed, he would catch a cold. By the time we were in our final year, my friends and I had concluded that it was either he had a few lose screws in his head or Inyang was truly a super lover. I was not surprised when I heard that he had proposed to her on the Valentine’s Day of our final year during an award ceremony. “So what happened to you guys? I mean, it was quite obvious you two were going to settle down together,” I asked, genuinely interested. Dipo shook his head sadly and said in a voice that almost didn’t sound like his, “Chioma, dat one na very long tori.”
A few days after our chanced meeting at the event, I managed to track Dipo down to his new studio on the Island. The thing was, ever since he mentioned Inyang, my journalistic persona took over and I knew I wasn’t going to stop until I got the whole tale out of him. When we had gotten the pleasantries out of the way, I went on to ask him about what really happened to his relationship with Inyang and this was the story I got.
*
After we graduated from school, he moved back to Lagos and rented an apartment with Inyang. He went into the music business full-time while Inyang took up fashion designing classes. It was pretty rough for them the first few months as breaking into the Lagos music scene proved to be more difficult than he imagined. But with perseverance and hardwork, the money started coming in. The real trouble started when he bought a new car and surprised Inyang, expecting her to be happy for him. Instead she was angry that he hadn’t used the money to fulfill his promise of marrying her. It took a few days of pleading to get her to ride in the new car. But the fights didn’t stop there; in fact, they now took a whole new dimension. She made it a duty to pick fights with everyone from his studio employees to his mother. And the proverbial stroke that broke the camel’s back was the one he learned that she had physically assaulted his mother. He had come one to find his mother sitting at the door entrance and lamenting about her ordeal in the hands of his “wife”. He did everything in his power to get this mother to go back into the house and that included promising her that Inyang would leave his house the very next day. Eventually, Inyang had apologized that night and promised she would never do such a thing again.
The next day, he got a call from Inyang saying she wasn’t feeling very well and thus was going to the hospital. In the evening of that day, he got the biggest news of his life when she announced that she was three weeks with his child. At first, he had mixed feelings about it since he had been contemplating ending the relationship but the thought of having his very own child seemed good enough. He decided to accept Inyang and his unborn child and took his mother to see her parents in Akwa Ibom state for a proper introduction.
But the situation with Inyang did not change. It seemed as though as her pregnancy grew and became more obvious, her attitude towards everyone got worse. His mother eventually moved out of his house and swore not to come back until the child was born. All his friends and partners avoided his residence like a plague for fear of getting into a fight with Inyang. He too became fed up of the relationship and threatened that he would accept the baby but could no longer get married to her.
Tragedy struck when she was about seven months pregnant. He was working in the studio when she called him screaming that she was having pains in her abdomen. He had asked her if she could wait for him to hurry home and take her to the hospital but she declined saying that she had already called a nurse who worked that the hospital she was registered to come and take her. He became so worried after the phone call that he could no longer work. He left the studio a half hour later and drove home as fast as he could. When he arrived about an hour after the phone call, he knocked on the front door and Inyang came down the stairs to answer the door. When she opened the door, he saw that she had been crying and when he asked what was wrong, she raised up her gown to reveal that she was wearing blood stained panties with a sanitary pad. She started crying again saying “We lost the baby, Dipo, we lost the baby.” He was angry, sad, upset and frustrated all at the same time. But he knew that the first thing was to calm her and that was exactly what he did.
A few hours later when he was able to get her to sleep, he went into the bathroom to tend to his own broken heart. He had been crying silently for a few minutes when he decided to call his mother with the news. To his surprise, his usually over-emotional mother listened patiently as he related his experience that sad day. When he was done, she asked him, “So she went to the hospital this morning and when you came back, she came down the stairs to answer the door for you?” “Yes?” he had replied almost upset that his mother was dwelling on the flimsy details instead of the fact that he just lost his baby. Her next question had come as a complete shock to him, “She ori e pe sha?” He was so mad that he started yelling on the phone about how his mother doesn’t wasn’t his to be happy. But to all that she had simply replied, “Go and ask your wife what really happened to your baby.”
A few days after that unfortunate incident, he had come down with a cold, and unlike him, he felt the need to visit the hospital for treatment. When he got there, he became curious since that was the same hospital where Inyang had been attending her ante natal appointments. Since the miscarriage, he had had a lot of questions but he didn’t want to burden the grief-stricken Inyang with details of her ordeal. He had requested for her file when the nurse who had taken Inyang to the hospital that day appeared and began counseling him on getting through his current situation. He patiently listened to her as she preached on about how God was going to bless him with another child. He then assured her that he was fine but he only wanted to see Inyang’s file. She suddenly became hostile saying that it was against company policy for patients to see their files. He immediately knew something was fishy so he raised an alarm and threatened fire and brimstone if he wasn’t allowed to see the file. In the commotion, the hospital MD came out to calm the situation and personally handed him Inyang’s file saying that there was nothing wrong with him requesting for his wife’s medical information. To his surprise, the only information that the file contained was the first time he brought Inyang to the hospital to be treated for malaria fever over a year ago. He was still in shock when his phone ran with a call from Inyang demanding to know what he was doing at the hospital at that time. He had simply told her that if she wanted to stay alive, she should pack her things and leave his house before he got back.
When he returned home that evening, Inyang was packed and gone but she left a note begging for his forgiveness as she had only done what she did because she loved him. The next day, her mother had called him pleading with him to take his wife back. He had calmly listened to her before he threw her a few questions of his own;
“Was she ever pregnant?”
“If she wasn’t, how does one explain the morning sickness, weight gain and of course her swollen belly?”
“If she was, how did the pregnancy magically disappear without his knowledge since they both lived in the same house the whole time?”
He said that her mother became silent. As silent as I was when he finished this shocking tale.