SINGLE AND SCREWED?

Hello People!

Sorry for the week long silence. You see, when its close to the end of the month like it is now, we salespersons turn into android robots trying to meet up the monthly target.
'Tis crazy indeed.
So this weekend i made the biggest mistake any single person can ever make; I agreed to attend my friend's baby's one year old birthday party.
Before you go judging me, let me explain the situation and why I said it was such a fiasco.

You see, Chika* and I had been best friends all through school but when we graduated and started to find our paths in life, we had a big fight that ended in our seperation. That happened four years ago. Well last week, I was going through some old documents when I saw her old number scribbled on a magazine. I decided to dial the number and surprisingly, she was still using the same number.

The following day, I was eager to see her so we fixed a lunch date. During our date, I learnt that she had gotten married and had a baby. So she pleaded with me to attend her baby's first birthday party and i foolishly agreed.

Upon arrival, Chika* had greeted me at the gate saying that I looked so classy which in her opinion "would drive the guys away" and that "I wasn't getting any younger". I was still trying to recover from that strike when her elder sister (who was married straight out of school) came out and said that I looked like i had had three kids since the last time we saw each other.
At this point, I was doing everything in my power to lash out at someone so I calmly sat down under the canopy, far away from any family. I was sitting peacefully when I felt a tug at my dress and when I turned around, it was a little girl calling me, "Mommy...Mommy". I was so close to blurting "Bitch! I ain't yo momma!!!" then I saw tears in her eyes, so i patiently carried her and petted her.
A few minutes later when I thought my troubles were over, I saw Chika*'s mom come out of the house to greet the guests. She came towards me and when Chika* tried to make her remember who I was, She said, "OOh! I remember!" Then she looked around as if she was looking for someone and said, "But, where's your husband now?"
My eyes were shooting missiles when I replied "Mummy, Please, I AM NOT MARRIED, I am single and apparently screwed for being around you people!"

SMH

*not the real name

THE MARRIED SIDE OF SEX

Oh, how I love my married friends.
And in my opinion, married women are the freakiest people i know. On one occasion, i was chatting with a friend who has been married for seven years when she suddenly sent me "You this Chioma, I really wonder what you sound like in bed..."
Yes, I was as shocked as you are right now. First of all because i recall our conversation as being not in the least related to sex and secondly because this my friend is one of the most "church-eous" people i know.
My reply was simply confirmatory, "Madam, please what year did we graduate from school?"
She had sent me an "lol" and yet another shocking message "What? You don't think I know you will like big dicks?"
My dearest, readers, please pardon my language, it is all to drive home a point that I DO NOT feel comfortable with my married girlfriend telling me just outside church today that my arse will definitely look nice when taking it "doggy-style."
It is only my married friends that want to give me a blow by blow account of how sex with their husbands is so great and spontaneous. I have become their sexual sounding board and trust me, that is not fun at all.

Egba mi o!
Chioma

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DEATH HAS A FACE

Hello folks,

Let me first of all say a big THANK YOU to all those who participated in the just concluded competition both as writers and voters. The whole cyber-event was a huge success and i have YOU ALL to thank for it. I have been informed that the winner has picked up his prize money and i will be posting the photo pretty soon.

On another note, I was driving to work yesterday morning and I heard on the news that the victims of the January fuel subsidy protest violence in Kano were going to be compensated. At that moment, my heart went out to them and i wrote this poem right there in my car.

So, this is dedicated to all those who lost their lives in the Fuel Subsidy protest violence all over the country. May your labour and death, not be in vain.

They told me it would be peaceful,

Come out, Come out, they said, it’s time to take a stand,

They said we are the future and the nation’s fate was in our hands,

They didn’t say that also in our hands was death and destruction,

I heard the noise and ran to a safe place I had never been before,

Come in, Come in, they said, we are to keep you safe,

I heard the sound as he cocked his rifle,

I saw his eyes as he aimed and pulled the trigger,

I saw his face, it was the face of hope and death.

CONGRATULATIONS MAXWELL!!!

How una Dey? Thank You All For All Your Entries. Personally, Me i Enjoy am.....But Sorry Na Maxwell Win The $100 , Abeg Come Pick Up Your Money Ooo(B4 I Change My Mind) lool #Bless
Tha Suspect

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Emmanuel Dike

Valentine! Valentine!! Valentine!!! Omo I taya o, even small pikin sabi wetin the word mean sef, if e dan reach times like this, people go begin worry unnecessarily. Haba, e no pure. Me no dey against the Valentine Movement o(afta all I no get chik), but if them say make I tok, e dey affect plenty things, una go hear all, and even as e take affect you join.
  For my point number one, e dey cause DIVERSION OF ATTENTION FROM INVESTMENT! You go  wan dey reason how, make your blood no rush, I mustu tok am. Adult wey suppose to use I'm money buy house or invest am put for hot shares go  use I'm money take buy big gift for gal call am valentine, I'm. Go leave money wey suppose to yield pikin for bizness use buy bb porsche for gal, Ogah, if na Ў☺ΰ be economy, u no. Go vex?
    Number two point, na women dey cause this one, dem dey turn sum men to thief all in the name of ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊​ of one day, make I give you instance. When I bin dey SS3, I thief my papa money to use buy gift for gal( ask me where the gal dey today), una dey see? Now, compare me with person wey dey in charge of very big money, wey dey work for places where money no dey wear clothe. After, them go say money dey miss, who cari am, every body turn to deaf and dumb but tomorrow, gal wey never pass jamb go carry 2 BB phones with one I-pad dey waka.
    Una dey see my point shey, oya check now wey gals wey suppose  enter skul turn doctor tomorrow or lawyer sef  go collect 'something' from her guy, give 'something' back, then after 9months, another 'something'. Go cumot(no ask me from where)that is if them no kumot am sef. Apart from say them dey increase population, them dey jonze their future.

    Finally,we dey tok say subsidy 'do' us na I'm valentine wan cum 'rape' some people finish, e don be 4 them na! How flower( na I'm cheap pass) wey be N150 before subsidy o turn N1000 all because of velentine, e no fair na, aw poor people wan take celebrate? Mr Biggs them. Go wan increase sharwama price, maybe, Mama Sunday.go add money for her food kwa, she gats to meet up na.
  Ah. Go  end by saying no b everything wey glitter b gold, try. Go  church.  Go  do yhur valentine, e no suppose make economy shake badly, offering suppose increase, afterall na God be ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊​,happy valentine people o, spread the ♡̷̴̬̩̃̊​ and not the virus, spreadnot the conji and not the legs!!!!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Tobenna Okoye

Valentine day na flexing day. As we dey talk flex no bi just straf. Bcos dat day na 50/50. The guy chop from d babe body and the babe go chop from the guy pocket. Na d babe aspect we dey talk about bcos na their own dey affect economy wella for that Val's day.

As February dey enter wetin dey people mind(people wey jasi) na how valentine go bi? The date no dey alrite for most people bcos na almost middle of d month wen pepper don almost disappear finish, boys go dey don dey broke. Bcos the people wey dey on  salary yapa. The people wey dey make money every week no plenty for naija. So na those ones wey dey on salary dey give economy wahala. Na like this the tin dey happen. After January salary for ur mind u go try save for Feb14 so u and ur chick go flex wella. But before that time, tinz go just dey come wey go dey finish ur money. As we dey enter new month we go dey try plan on how we go spend small small. But the tin bi say e no possible. Money go still dey burn wella. If say u get like 400,000 as January salary, u go don use like 5,500 for credit before Feb14, your youger brother or sister wey u fit dey train for skul go come again collect allowance. U fit release like 10,000. You gats dey chop sef, comot 20,000. Nepa go still dey dull so money for fuel for ur gen go still dey, maybe like 30,000. No forget say all the money wey don burn na before Feb14 o! Your pocket for don leak finish. But at least u still hold small change for val. Wetin remain na how to celebrate val.

The people wey dey do Val tinz sef no dey try for boiz. Na dat time ordinary plate of rice go increase like 200%. If say u dey chop one plate for 1000. The tin go fly go 3500. And u gats buy for two people which mean say u go drop 7tawa! And dat na if your chick sabi wetin u dey earn or two of una don dey understand una self wella. But if na babe u meet for club d previous weekend and u wan straf am dat Valentine night, u fit drop like close to 30bar for Mr. Biggs(because una dey chop wetin una go soon shit comot, mscheeew). Okay una chop finish wetin con remain na gift. Whether two of una understand una sef wella or u wan straf the babe, u go still like show urself, u go like impress the babe. If u fit go pick one of those mumu Valentine gift packs wey dem dey show for TV wey be like 100jeez.

After everytin Feb15 d guy go don broke finish. From that 400k wetin remain fit bi like 20,000. The next tin na to dey borrow money from bank. No forget say na guys all over naija dey suffer this kain tin. So banks go dey borrow boys money the tin go dey wreck our GDP and the GDP na d major part of the economy. Why this tins dey happen like this. Na becos of valentine oooo!!

HOW VALENTINE DEY AFFECT OUR ECONOMY by Jedidiah Ikoba

Valentine na for lovers. Na for everywhere for d world o but naija we carry valentine 4 head well o.Secondary school students o,even primary school dis days don dey get val.As for university nor go there o. Dem dey finish work for this valentine tory. Na girls dey enjoy dat day pass ni. Na so we guys o, aristos or maga(the bigger d pot belle d more d money) go dey buy fine gifts 4 their girl friends, d kind one wey dem neva buy give their malle or wife once sef. Oyinbo pipo own u fit jus buy one flower or card for your chick but 4 naija,try am first! D babe go tear d card 4 your present or stone u wit your yeye flower. She go ask u if dem dey chop am? So na rule o. U must buy expensive gift for your babe and una must to go out o. So tay sum guys for uni those days wey dey do 0-1-0 eatin formula go buy beta shoe or phone 4 their chikito come carry her go fastfood wen him neva enta at all before. Some go even use their skool fees do am o.
Evn married couples join for the matter o.Afteralls dem be lovers too! Na so expensive gifts go dey flow. But my broda wetin dey pain me be say after guys don buy expensive gifts giv these girls na cheap tins like boxers, singlet,cheap watch naim dem go buy giv d guys. Dat na wayo na, correct akpaco d babes dem be.
Now how dis one take affect our economy sef. My broda me I nor see o. E nor dey affect our economy one kobo! Forget say guys dem dey buy expensive gifts and go outings wit the babes dat day. Instead na oyinbo economy we dey develop. Almost all d gifts wen we dey buy dat day na obodo oyibo dem dey import dem come,even up to card sef becos na only to consume we sabi. So in the end our economy siddon for d same bottom wey e dey. Instead sef we dey lose money & our economy dey die go.
Sum guys dey go thief or do yahoo or thief from gofment(those wey be politicians and workers) so dat dem go fit meet up,so corruption dey increase. Girls sef dey get belle anyhow,HIV dey spread. All dis tins too dey kill our economy bcos the youth na dem be the ogbonge pilotay for d economy steerin and 419 wit him bros corruption dey kpai our economy. Fear nor go let oyinbo come here bcos dem go open oFfice for him head.
Last last,love na evryday tin no be only jus for valentine day. If you love the boo or sisi, dey show the love everyday nor be only for valentine. Shikina!